looking for wholeheartedness

IMG_6717The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. This. So. Much. This.

This book (Daring Greatly) totally rocked my world. I’m not gonna lie, it took me a long time to finally be ready to read and comprehend the words on these pages. I have struggled so much throughout my life with feelings of worthiness and self love and self acceptance and where I belong. And this manifesto right here is WHY I am working so hard on changing my behaviors and self talk.

In her book, Brené Brown says “we can’t give our children what we don’t have.” So without making some serious and intentional changes, I cannot lead by example. I cannot show them how to live in a place of self love and worthiness and belonging unless I am living that life as well. I won’t discount the progress I have already made because I do feel I am a better person today than I was a week ago, a month a ago, a year ago. But I also know that I can do better. Much better. For myself. For my children. Because. This. This is what I want for myself and my kids.

Stay tuned while I continue the search for wholeheartedness…

 

xoxo,

m

coffee mugs & tears

What a perfect day to bust out one of my most treasured coffee mugs that usually IMG_0965.JPGcarefully sits in a safe place in my mug cabinet. I remember climbing up on my tata’s lap as a little girl to sit with him as he sipped his coffee from this mug every morning. And as time passed, I remember watching Andrew climb up on his lap and do the same as a little boy. I am so thankful that both my nana and tata got to meet at least one of my babies. I wish they were here to be part of Ash and Laila’s lives, I know they would just get the biggest kick outta these 2 crazies. I wish I had more time with them, it wasn’t enough. But I feel so lucky to have so many amazing memories of all the time we did have together.

I remember every morning as I rushed out the door to get to class or work…my tata was sitting there in his chair, sipping his coffee. I would give him and Andrew a kiss on the head, tell them I loved them and run out. One morning I ran out of the house, he wasn’t in his chair yet. He was getting ready for his much anticipated hunting trip with my uncles. I didn’t wait. I just ran out. Without saying goodbye. Without telling him I loved him. Without kissing him on the head. Without seeing him in his chair, sipping his coffee. That morning I didn’t know that I would never have the chance to do any of those things ever again. Grief is so weird. It just sneaks up on you and sometimes and just slaps you in the face. This morning I reached up for this cup because I thought it was so appropriate being we leave for Hawaii in a few days. But as I cupped this mug in my hands and brought it to my face…the smell of coffee hitting my nose instantly took me back to being that little girl sitting on his lap smelling his coffee and snuggling up in his arms and made me miss him and my nana something fierce.

Don’t ever be too busy to tell someone you love and appreciate them. Slow down. Take the time. Say the words. Appreciate the moments.

 

xoxo,

-m

my monkeys, my circus…

 

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We went to the park yesterday and I captured so many adorable and loving moments of these two and I was so proud to watch their love and appreciation for one another. These right here are some of those precious moments captured that make you feel like you’re parenting game is so strong.

 

Unshakable. You’re doing everything right. Of course minus your all too frequent trips through the Chick Fil A drive thru, goldfish (the snacks not the actual fish. I don’t want any fish activist coming after me) and grapes being thrown at them just so you can finish one more thing that should have already been done and the constant forgetting to sign the 2nd grade daily progress sheet resulting in your kid not being able to hit up the prize box at school every Friday. Aside from that…You’re doing pretty damn allllllright. You kids clearly love one another so much that it totally makes up for all the other “not my best parenting moments”.

Then the sun goes down and they turn into hungry little maniacs. And I’m not talking hunger for mac & cheese. I’m talking about hunger for your sanity. The screaming. The destroying of your house. The running around you as you (im)patiently wait for your instapot to make the magical beeping sound of success while you huff your Stress Away essential oil bottle like those people you see frantically breathing into paper bags in the movies. But hey it’s all in fun, right? They are just kids after all. Kids having “fun”.

Then after repeating “eat your dinner, please” 2738 times you give up and cut your losses after approximately 37 pieces of macaronis and 102 chips eaten collectively. Yeah. I saw the bag of chips you thought you were hiding. Actually I heard you before I saw you. And I’m now strongly considering banning chips from ever entering this house again. Whhy whhhy whhhhhy do they chew so loud?!??

You’re so close now. Bath time. You got this. You totally got this. Home stretch. And as you’re getting the water ready you overhear the conversation being had between your two kids…. that love each other so much……

Ash: “Laila ever since you’ve come around, you been taking all my stuff. Enough is enough already! You’re going down!”

Laila: “shut.up.Ash!! Shut up! Shhhhhuuuutttt up!!!!!!! Give me my sword!”

Followed by the loudest screams ever while she rushes him and takes HIS sword.

Ash: “ugh Laila. You are such a beast. You’re never gonna have any friends, if you keep this up.”

Laila: “suuuuuuush Asssssssshhhhhh!!!”

Me: “Laila. Come here. You’re not being nice.”

Laila yelling: “I am nice!! My sword.”

As she pulls it in and guards it with her life.

Me: “no you’re not being nice and that’s Ash’s sword. You need to go give it back.”

Laila. “Ugggggh. Fock.”

But not just any old F bomb. She dragged it out…”Foooock!”

Uhhhh….yeah. The 2.5 year old dropped the F bomb. And although you’re kinda impressed that she used it in the proper context, you hold your head in shame because you’re pretty sure she got that word from you. Actually you know she did. There is no doubt because when that word leaves your lips, that’s EXACTLY how it sounds. And as you file tonight under “not my best parenting moments”, you’re just thankful the 7 year old didn’t here the F bomb dropped so the damage control is limited to yours and your 2.5 year olds potty mouths and you hope that she quickly forgets this word in her sleep. Dear 6lbs 7oz baby Jesus, just please hear this prayer!!!

I’m not alone, right?!? I can’t be. There are other moms out there with potty mouth toddlers? Or kids living off of Chick Fil A and a prayer….right?!

And this is my #totalMayHam

to be continued….

lies + chocolate and possible jail time…

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The truth shall set you free. So here I go. Setting myself free. After all that’s what my twenty seventeen is all about, right?!!

So a few things you may or may not know about me. I LOOOOVE chocolate. Dark chocolate specifically, but chances are if you put most chocolate down in front of me it may not survive. It’s a real problem. I will go to the store and without even realizing it, I will have put bars of chocolate in my cart. I guess the heart knows what the heart wants…and mine wants chocolate. All the damn time.

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oh just me eating chocolate for breakfast.

So another thing you may or may not know about me, I’m a baaaaad liar. Like the worst. My mom knows this, my husband knows this, my friends know this. I know this. So here’s where I need to own up cuz I lied and it’s about to bite me right in my 1?0 pound ass. We just got new/more/different life insurance because well…apparently adults do responsible things like this. And I filled out the paperwork and entered those numbers like I was filling out my DMV paperwork. Cuz everyone lies on their drivers license, right?!! What? Are they gonna weigh me? Noooooo. I don’t think so.

Well…so it turns out, the life insurance people…they do weigh you. They come TO YOUR HOUSE and weigh you!! “It will only take 10-15 min.” She says on the phone. And of course in my mind I’m convinced she’s throwing around those exact numbers because she was on to me and my lies. So I hang up the phone and run up upstairs to weigh myself and vow to lose 10-15 lbs before my appointment…. the following week which is ridiculous. And even more ridiculous I run downstairs and stress eat bars of chocolate. The weight obviously doesn’t magically fall off so what do I do? What any normal person would do and change my appointment…not once… but 2 more times. In an attempt to lose weight by eating ridiculous amounts of dark chocolate bars. Huh?! Seriously?!

Sooo….here we are on the eve of my 10-15 min weigh in and I am down exactly zero pounds. But what I am down is approximately 6-10…ok maybe more Trader Joe’s chocolate bars.

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my pantry at any given moment.

So…tomorrow may be the day I either go to jail for insurance fraud or get denied coverage cuz I’m way too short for my real weight…not my drivers license weight. Time will tell. Please tell me you’ll write….

To be continued….

ugly face cry strikes again…

So just when I thought all the ugly face crying from leaving my nursing career was out of my system…a package shows up in my mailbox that reopens the flood gates. This time. Only happy tears.

 

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one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received.

The contents of package is a reminder that I am on the right path. With the right people. People that I would never know had it not been for this business that accidentally fell into my lap. I love it. And I love them. So much. This tribe of women that I never knew I needed.

My one word. Free. And my intention not only for this year, but from these moments forward. Free to be…

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Today the happy tears flow because I know I have found my people, my tribe. The ones that know my flaws, my crazy and still love me, accept me and cheer me on. Thank you for being in my life…

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to be continued…

xoxo,

-m