365 days of being free from these bags and daily debilitating symptoms that turned me into someone I no longer recognized. 365 days since I reclaimed my health and my life. Not every day has been rainbows, but everyday has been better than the storm daily life had become.
•BII IS real, even if it’s not currently recognized as an official diagnosis within the medical community. However, we ARE getting closer.
•It’s NOT in your head.
•BII has a wide range of symptoms and severities (for me, most symptoms were brushed off as “normal” aging or labeled as anxiety).
•Symptoms can appear immediately or take years to present.
The most commonly reported symptoms (but not limited to) are:Fatigue/chronic fatigue*, muscle aches/weakness*, joint pain/soreness*, hair loss, weight gain/loss*(I experienced loss due to developing disordered eating patterns because most foods made me sick), temp intolerance*, ringing in the ears*, heart palpitations, shortness of breath*, night sweats*, skin rashes*, insomnia*, swollen tender lymph nodes*, brain fog*, burning in chest wall,vertigo, chronic neck/back pain*, peri orbital edema*, premature aging, vision disturbances*, liver/kidney dysfunction, headaches/dizziness/migraines*, mood swings*, anxiety/panic attacks*, symptoms or diagnosis of autoimmune disease* (I was diagnosed with hashimotos).
*all the daily symptoms I experienced and are now either completely GONE or significantly improved! (Still working through lingering hormone related issues and ptsd from illness.) I have 2 ig story highlights dedicated to my BII and explant journey if you care to explore.
If you’re currently experiencing issues/symptoms , I highly recommend you do your research and consider joining the Fb group Breast Implant Illness and Healing by Nicole, where 133k women share their stories of both BII and healing through proper explant surgery. And I am ALWAYS more than willing to talk with anyone about it. I am so thankful to have been connected to so many amazing women through this journey and have made it part of my life’s mission to keep sharing my story in hopes of it being able to help others. I know the deep, dark despair that this can take women too and I don’t want anyone sitting alone in that. There is hope and healing on the horizon, no matter how far the horizon may feel.
I don’t need messages from those that have implants saying they are fine. I’m so happy that you are fine and pray that continues to be your path. This message isn’t for you. This message is for the women that aren’t sure they are fine or are wondering if they are going crazy because they are not being heard/validated and to let them know they aren’t alone. You are never alone.
I had an unexpected and unwelcome 430 wake up call this morning feeling like the weight of the world was sitting heavily on my chest. Having anxiety, this isn’t uncommon. Lately it’s been happening more than I like and I feel like so much of it is because it feels like we as a world have become so divisive and less accepting of those that may think or believe differently than us. I see and feel it on social media with every scroll which has honestly left me scrolling so much less these last few weeks/months in an attempt to guard my heart and energy.
After dropping about 15 drops of Frankincense on my head, I sat in prayer for a while, got a workout in then prayed some more. I opened up my Live in Grace, Walk in Love devotional by Bob Goff and my mouth dropped open. The message is ALWAYS on time:
“Since when did we decide as a community of faith that having the same beliefs and opinion was a prerequisite for loving, accepting, and welcoming someone? It’s not enough to just tolerate or be polite to people we disagree with and for them to merely do this with us. We need to love each other without an agenda. Do it any other way and we signal to each other that the others need to be like us to be liked by us. The cost of acceptance is way too high if it cost people who God made them to be.”“We don’t just tolerate those who are different from us, we celebrate them! We delight in the way each person shows us a side of ourselves or Jesus that we hadn’t quite seen until we met them. Instead of implying to people that they need to change in order to be welcome at the table, let them know they’re welcome just as they are.”
I walked upstairs to wake the kids and saw this….tell me I’m not the only one that sees angel wings?! I took this picture, sat down to post it in my stories and turned around and poof it was gone. The last little bit of anxiousness I was feeling floated away with the wings…until later in the day we covered climate change during science which I’m pretty sure freaked out and traumatized Laila. I guess we can add this to the list of traumas to save up for future therapy.
The year I celebrated with a cupcake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend leading up to 41 and not one ounce of regret, effs or guilt about it. Worth it.
The year started out with so much hope and guess what…. it’s also ending with so much hope, even on the days I have to dig a little deeper to find it. 2020 is not a year I would have chosen, but it’s a year of many lessons in gratitude, grace, turning off and turning away from what doesn’t serve my emotional or mental well-being and leaning into what does but had been too hard to lean into alone. It has been the most intentional and transformational growth I’ve ever experienced as a human to date and I can’t be mad at that.
So thank you 40 & 2020 for showing me how to remain steady in the storm. Even or especially when the steadiness came from leaning on those around me.
What age are you supposed to FEEL like an actual real life adult? Because so far, 41 still feels just as unadultish as all the previous years.
Excelling in education AND snacks. Look who leveled up! When asked how she felt, she replied….”totally normal. Phenomenal as usual.”
I love that phenomenal is her baseline. I’m about to make it mine too.
Now I see why homeschoolers have a hard time talking in grade levels. She may be a 3rd grader before she officially finishes what a traditional first grade year would be.
Truth be told, I was trying to slow her down because I know it’s about to get more challenging and I didn’t know if she was ready for that level of challenge then I had to have an honest conversation with myself and ask 3 questions:
1. Why do I get to decide what’s too challenging for her? Especially when she’s enjoying the challenges and seeking out more?!
2.Who am I to hold a smart, determined little lady back? And WHY TF would I want to?!!!!!
3.Who is the one that isn’t ready? Am I making this about my fears? Or my fears for her?
That was a fun internal conversation. I lost my own argument and damn am I glad for that. Because none of this is about me. It’s all her. She gets to drive THIS bus. We are homeschooling them to meet them where they are. If this is where she is, this is where she is and Imma let her go on with her bad self and let her face the challenges head on if/when they come and watch her navigate them like the strong, sassy, smart little lady that she is.
Because I‘ll be damned if she learns to slow down, back down or play small to make others feel comfortable or less uncomfortable from me. Nah girl. You do you and imma cheer you on through the wins and losses to come. But also please take it easy on me in the sass department in the coming years, mmmkaaay thanks boo. So excited to celebrate this phenomenal little lady leveling up!!
Over the last 100 days, I’ve ended up with some baby biceps, a 2 pack (that’s still kinda hiding but I know it’s there), less jiggly in my jiggly spots and that’s not even the best part….The gains felt on the inside are the biggest win. The mental, emotional and self love and acceptance muscles are straight flexin hard, yo. It’s crazy. On the day I completed the #100dayproject AND my century (100th) yoga class, a memory popped up from this day last year. We were on vacation and I posted how I was desperately trying to choose gratitude and grace through the pain and frustration of my body constantly giving out on me. I remembering later breaking down because I was felt like I was failing in life and failing my family because I physically couldn’t be the wife and mom they needed. I lost who I was and didn’t think I would ever get to be who I knew I was created to be. Buuuuut she back. With a little more sass, a whole lotta passion for living life and a strong desire to make some sh!t happen while working on nailing a graceful headstand without tipping over. Watch out. It’s all happening. I feel it in my no longer constant achy bones. I also nailed a non graceful headstand that Laila recoded. Ps- she’s fired as my camera girl.😂 you had one job, Laila. One job. Ready to go for another 100 days! Who wants to join me?!!
Filing this under daily gratitudes and blessings. I almost didn’t post this picture because let’s be honest, I am not a pretty sleeper. But ohhh for this moment, I had prayed. As a desperate non believer, I prayed so hard for this child after years of heart ache, infertility and lots of loss. I never prayed so hard.
And here we are. Constantly blessed (and sometimes stressed 🤣) by her colorful presence and presents in this world. She is an actual rainbow after the storm. And sometimes she IS also the storm. & I love that about her even on the days it makes it hard to parent her. So grateful that Eric felt the love and gratitude for both his girls in this moment, to capture it. Then send it to your mom with the text, “look at your girls”. 😭 A few years ago, I decided to chase gratitude. Even…or especially on the hard days. I’m still chasing it, except today I find more of it. Not because I’m more blessed (although I do feel more blessed), but because I have been intentional in playing hide and seek with it. Don’t miss or overlook it because it’s hiding in the ordinary spaces. Seek it out. Say “found ya” out loud when you find it. Play this game all damn day, every day. Until it becomes part of your normal daily routine, even on the hard days and even when there’s a hint of sarcasm behind it (sarcasm may be my coping mechanism which I just read wasn’t healthy, but baby steps 😬). There were some days all I could be thankful for was a cup of coffee or just making it through the day. But I’ve come a long way since then and if I can, I believe anyone can.
What is something you’re grateful for in this moment??
Working realllll hard to teach and show my kids that worth will never come from a grade or ANY external factor…while constantly reminding myself of that very thing. I wish I would have learned this lesson so much sooner in life.
Academics may not come easy to him, but kindness, empathy & creativity do. And he has such a gift for recognizing a friend in need. I’ll take that all day, every day over a letter grade.
Shine bright in your gifts, friends. Focus on all that you are instead of all that you’re not and see what happens. Another lesson I wish I would have learned sooner. But damn is it ever being shown to me now. Loud and clear. Better late than never, right?
If you don’t know what your gifts are yet (I didn’t know mine until recently), what have you been told by friends or loved ones is a gift you possess? Maybe even be brave enough ask those around you. I promise you have a gift only you can give, in a way only you can. Sometimes it’s a matter of recognizing it and not ignoring or running from it. if you’re the praying type, talk to God…ask him to show you. Here’s a prayer I’ve been praying, “Lord, here I am with open hands and open heart. ready to step into who you have created me to be. To use the gifts and talents you have blessed me with in a way that shows people who you are, how you love and the life you want for them. And imma maybe need you to make it realllll clear for a sister because there’s still a little bit of fear that’s sometimes clouding your whispers. So maybe holla at a girl!” 🤣 annnnnd boy is he hollering lately. And sending the people to also holla at a girl. Even if you’re not the praying type (trust me, I get it. I was not for more than half my life), you can still talk to God. He will be happy to hear from you. If you don’t know how to pray or what to say (I also feel you on that, I’m still learning), feel free to borrow my very scholarly written prayer.
So let’s hear it…do you know your gifts? I’d love to hear what they are. Or are you about to go figure em out??
Well I’m doing the damn (blog) thing….again. Hopefully I can figure it out and keep at it this time around. Until then, I may be spamming you rapid fire style with some of my recent social medial posts that I would like to also live here on my little empty corner of the blog world.
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. This. So. Much. This.
This book (Daring Greatly) totally rocked my world. I’m not gonna lie, it took me a long time to finally be ready to read and comprehend the words on these pages. I have struggled so much throughout my life with feelings of worthiness and self love and self acceptance and where I belong. And this manifesto right here is WHY I am working so hard on changing my behaviors and self talk.
In her book, Brené Brown says “we can’t give our children what we don’t have.” So without making some serious and intentional changes, I cannot lead by example. I cannot show them how to live in a place of self love and worthiness and belonging unless I am living that life as well. I won’t discount the progress I have already made because I do feel I am a better person today than I was a week ago, a month a ago, a year ago. But I also know that I can do better. Much better. For myself. For my children. Because. This. This is what I want for myself and my kids.
Stay tuned while I continue the search for wholeheartedness…