41.

2020.

The year I celebrated with a cupcake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend leading up to 41 and not one ounce of regret, effs or guilt about it. Worth it.

The year started out with so much hope and guess what…. it’s also ending with so much hope, even on the days I have to dig a little deeper to find it. 2020 is not a year I would have chosen, but it’s a year of many lessons in gratitude, grace, turning off and turning away from what doesn’t serve my emotional or mental well-being and leaning into what does but had been too hard to lean into alone. It has been the most intentional and transformational growth I’ve ever experienced as a human to date and I can’t be mad at that.

So thank you 40 & 2020 for showing me how to remain steady in the storm. Even or especially when the steadiness came from leaning on those around me.

What age are you supposed to FEEL like an actual real life adult? Because so far, 41 still feels just as unadultish as all the previous years.

Leveled up…

Excelling in education AND snacks. Look who leveled up! When asked how she felt, she replied….”totally normal. Phenomenal as usual.”

⁣⁣I love that phenomenal is her baseline. I’m about to make it mine too. ⁣⁣

Now I see why homeschoolers have a hard time talking in grade levels. She may be a 3rd grader before she officially finishes what a traditional first grade year would be. ⁣⁣

Truth be told, I was trying to slow her down because I know it’s about to get more challenging and I didn’t know if she was ready for that level of challenge then I had to have an honest conversation with myself and ask 3 questions:⁣

1. Why do I get to decide what’s too challenging for her? Especially when she’s enjoying the challenges and seeking out more?!

⁣2.Who am I to hold a smart, determined little lady back? And WHY TF would I want to?!!!!!

⁣3.Who is the one that isn’t ready? Am I making this about my fears? Or my fears for her?

⁣⁣That was a fun internal conversation. I lost my own argument and damn am I glad for that. Because none of this is about me. It’s all her. She gets to drive THIS bus. ⁣ ⁣We are homeschooling them to meet them where they are. If this is where she is, this is where she is and Imma let her go on with her bad self and let her face the challenges head on if/when they come and watch her navigate them like the strong, sassy, smart little lady that she is. ⁣⁣

Because I‘ll be damned if she learns to slow down, back down or play small to make others feel comfortable or less uncomfortable from me. Nah girl. You do you and imma cheer you on through the wins and losses to come. ⁣But also please take it easy on me in the sass department in the coming years, mmmkaaay thanks boo. ⁣⁣So excited to celebrate this phenomenal little lady leveling up!!

Chasing gratitude.

Filing this under daily gratitudes and blessings. I almost didn’t post this picture because let’s be honest, I am not a pretty sleeper. But ohhh for this moment, I had prayed. As a desperate non believer, I prayed so hard for this child after years of heart ache, infertility and lots of loss. I never prayed so hard. ⁣


And here we are. ⁣

Constantly blessed (and sometimes stressed 🤣) by her colorful presence and presents in this world. She is an actual rainbow after the storm. And sometimes she IS also the storm. & I love that about her even on the days it makes it hard to parent her. ⁣

So grateful that Eric felt the love and gratitude for both his girls in this moment, to capture it. Then send it to your mom with the text, “look at your girls”. 😭 ⁣

A few years ago, I decided to chase gratitude. Even…or especially on the hard days. I’m still chasing it, except today I find more of it. Not because I’m more blessed (although I do feel more blessed), but because I have been intentional in playing hide and seek with it. ⁣

Don’t miss or overlook it because it’s hiding in the ordinary spaces. Seek it out. Say “found ya” out loud when you find it. Play this game all damn day, every day. Until it becomes part of your normal daily routine, even on the hard days and even when there’s a hint of sarcasm behind it (sarcasm may be my coping mechanism which I just read wasn’t healthy, but baby steps 😬). There were some days all I could be thankful for was a cup of coffee or just making it through the day. But I’ve come a long way since then and if I can, I believe anyone can. ⁣

(7/15/2020)

What is something you’re grateful for in this moment??

Lean in…to your gifts.

Working realllll hard to teach and show my kids that worth will never come from a grade or ANY external factor…while constantly reminding myself of that very thing. I wish I would have learned this lesson so much sooner in life. 

Academics may not come easy to him, but kindness, empathy & creativity do. And he has such a gift for recognizing a friend in need. I’ll take that all day, every day over a letter grade. 

Shine bright in your gifts, friends. Focus on all that you are instead of all that you’re not and see what happens. Another lesson I wish I would have learned sooner. But damn is it ever being shown to me now. Loud and clear. Better late than never, right? 

If you don’t know what your gifts are yet (I didn’t know mine until recently), what have you been told by friends or loved ones is a gift you possess? Maybe even be brave enough ask those around you. I promise you have a gift only you can give, in a way only you can. Sometimes it’s a matter of recognizing it and not ignoring or running from it. if you’re the praying type, talk to God…ask him to show you. Here’s a prayer I’ve been praying, “Lord, here I am with open hands and open heart. ready to step into who you have created me to be. To use the gifts and talents you have blessed me with in a way that shows people who you are, how you love and the life you want for them. And imma maybe need you to make it realllll clear for a sister because there’s still a little bit of fear that’s sometimes clouding your whispers. So maybe holla at a girl!” 🤣 annnnnd boy is he hollering lately. And sending the people to also holla at a girl. Even if you’re not the praying type (trust me, I get it. I was not for more than half my life), you can still talk to God. He will be happy to hear from you. If you don’t know how to pray or what to say (I also feel you on that, I’m still learning), feel free to borrow my very scholarly written prayer. 

So let’s hear it…do you know your gifts? I’d love to hear what they are. Or are you about to go figure em out?? 

Ps: thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😆

Guess who’s back. Back again.

MayHam’s back . Tell a friend.

just in case you forgot what I looked like. This is the face of 2020 MayHam. New & improved.

Well I’m doing the damn (blog) thing….again. Hopefully I can figure it out and keep at it this time around. Until then, I may be spamming you rapid fire style with some of my recent social medial posts that I would like to also live here on my little empty corner of the blog world.

Thanks for being here with me.

wishing you all the love, rainbows and coffee.

xoxo,

-m

looking for wholeheartedness

IMG_6717The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. This. So. Much. This.

This book (Daring Greatly) totally rocked my world. I’m not gonna lie, it took me a long time to finally be ready to read and comprehend the words on these pages. I have struggled so much throughout my life with feelings of worthiness and self love and self acceptance and where I belong. And this manifesto right here is WHY I am working so hard on changing my behaviors and self talk.

In her book, Brené Brown says “we can’t give our children what we don’t have.” So without making some serious and intentional changes, I cannot lead by example. I cannot show them how to live in a place of self love and worthiness and belonging unless I am living that life as well. I won’t discount the progress I have already made because I do feel I am a better person today than I was a week ago, a month a ago, a year ago. But I also know that I can do better. Much better. For myself. For my children. Because. This. This is what I want for myself and my kids.

Stay tuned while I continue the search for wholeheartedness…

 

xoxo,

m

21.

21 days. That’s how many days I have officially been wheat and sugar free. Sugar. Out of MY diet. Me… not consuming chocolate all day, everyday?! Crazy. Right?!

And today I’m making bone broth. Who in the actual hell am I?!

IMG_7574

Well I can tell you who and what I finally am not. I am not absolutely and completely exhausted. I can get out of the bed in the morning and not struggle to just make it through the day. I don’t feel as sluggish and forgetful and totally crazy. And I don’t feel like I’m dying a slow death. Kinda dramatic? Maybe. But that’s really how I felt. There were so many days my husband would say to me “I’m worried about you. Are you ok? How are you even functioning right now. I think you need to see a doctor. This isn’t normal.” Because the physical and mental exhaustion was so bad. All things I chalked up to #mombrain or #momstruggles. I would oil up, take supplements all day and take my Ningxia red 3-4 times a day just to get me through the day. Which really helped but I realized how much better these oils and supplements would work if I was actually a normal functioning body vs an actual real life walking zombie.

I started researching. About the importance of diet and gut health, eliminating wheat/ grains and sugar. So I did it. I found a way of eating that I thought would work for me and I went for it. Out of desperation. And 21 days later, I am amazed by how much better I feel. I know my body is still working to repair all the damage, but getting out of bed and making it through the day is no longer such a struggle and that right there is a huge win that I will gladly take. I’m stumbling upon a new desire and passion to learn all the things. For myself and for my family. Because I can never go back to feeling the way I did 22 days ago. It’s just not an option. And do you know what’s really awful is that I didn’t share this with many people prior to starting because I wasn’t sure I would be able actually do this. I expected to fail. Like I usually do when it comes to quitting sugar. I am a very goal driven person. When I put my mind to something, I don’t stop till I make it happen. But sugar. Ugh. Quitting sugar. It felt impossible and I felt bad labeling it an addiction when other people are battling real addictions, but by definition that’s exactly what this is/was and I feel like bringing light to it, it allows me to acknowledge and take action.

So here I am. Taking action.

to be continued…

xoxo,

-m