365 days of being free from these bags and daily debilitating symptoms that turned me into someone I no longer recognized. 365 days since I reclaimed my health and my life. Not every day has been rainbows, but everyday has been better than the storm daily life had become.
•BII IS real, even if it’s not currently recognized as an official diagnosis within the medical community. However, we ARE getting closer.
•It’s NOT in your head.
•BII has a wide range of symptoms and severities (for me, most symptoms were brushed off as “normal” aging or labeled as anxiety).
•Symptoms can appear immediately or take years to present.
The most commonly reported symptoms (but not limited to) are:Fatigue/chronic fatigue*, muscle aches/weakness*, joint pain/soreness*, hair loss, weight gain/loss*(I experienced loss due to developing disordered eating patterns because most foods made me sick), temp intolerance*, ringing in the ears*, heart palpitations, shortness of breath*, night sweats*, skin rashes*, insomnia*, swollen tender lymph nodes*, brain fog*, burning in chest wall,vertigo, chronic neck/back pain*, peri orbital edema*, premature aging, vision disturbances*, liver/kidney dysfunction, headaches/dizziness/migraines*, mood swings*, anxiety/panic attacks*, symptoms or diagnosis of autoimmune disease* (I was diagnosed with hashimotos).
*all the daily symptoms I experienced and are now either completely GONE or significantly improved! (Still working through lingering hormone related issues and ptsd from illness.) I have 2 ig story highlights dedicated to my BII and explant journey if you care to explore.
If you’re currently experiencing issues/symptoms , I highly recommend you do your research and consider joining the Fb group Breast Implant Illness and Healing by Nicole, where 133k women share their stories of both BII and healing through proper explant surgery. And I am ALWAYS more than willing to talk with anyone about it. I am so thankful to have been connected to so many amazing women through this journey and have made it part of my life’s mission to keep sharing my story in hopes of it being able to help others. I know the deep, dark despair that this can take women too and I don’t want anyone sitting alone in that. There is hope and healing on the horizon, no matter how far the horizon may feel.
I don’t need messages from those that have implants saying they are fine. I’m so happy that you are fine and pray that continues to be your path. This message isn’t for you. This message is for the women that aren’t sure they are fine or are wondering if they are going crazy because they are not being heard/validated and to let them know they aren’t alone. You are never alone.
I had an unexpected and unwelcome 430 wake up call this morning feeling like the weight of the world was sitting heavily on my chest. Having anxiety, this isn’t uncommon. Lately it’s been happening more than I like and I feel like so much of it is because it feels like we as a world have become so divisive and less accepting of those that may think or believe differently than us. I see and feel it on social media with every scroll which has honestly left me scrolling so much less these last few weeks/months in an attempt to guard my heart and energy.
After dropping about 15 drops of Frankincense on my head, I sat in prayer for a while, got a workout in then prayed some more. I opened up my Live in Grace, Walk in Love devotional by Bob Goff and my mouth dropped open. The message is ALWAYS on time:
“Since when did we decide as a community of faith that having the same beliefs and opinion was a prerequisite for loving, accepting, and welcoming someone? It’s not enough to just tolerate or be polite to people we disagree with and for them to merely do this with us. We need to love each other without an agenda. Do it any other way and we signal to each other that the others need to be like us to be liked by us. The cost of acceptance is way too high if it cost people who God made them to be.”“We don’t just tolerate those who are different from us, we celebrate them! We delight in the way each person shows us a side of ourselves or Jesus that we hadn’t quite seen until we met them. Instead of implying to people that they need to change in order to be welcome at the table, let them know they’re welcome just as they are.”
I walked upstairs to wake the kids and saw this….tell me I’m not the only one that sees angel wings?! I took this picture, sat down to post it in my stories and turned around and poof it was gone. The last little bit of anxiousness I was feeling floated away with the wings…until later in the day we covered climate change during science which I’m pretty sure freaked out and traumatized Laila. I guess we can add this to the list of traumas to save up for future therapy.
The year I celebrated with a cupcake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend leading up to 41 and not one ounce of regret, effs or guilt about it. Worth it.
The year started out with so much hope and guess what…. it’s also ending with so much hope, even on the days I have to dig a little deeper to find it. 2020 is not a year I would have chosen, but it’s a year of many lessons in gratitude, grace, turning off and turning away from what doesn’t serve my emotional or mental well-being and leaning into what does but had been too hard to lean into alone. It has been the most intentional and transformational growth I’ve ever experienced as a human to date and I can’t be mad at that.
So thank you 40 & 2020 for showing me how to remain steady in the storm. Even or especially when the steadiness came from leaning on those around me.
What age are you supposed to FEEL like an actual real life adult? Because so far, 41 still feels just as unadultish as all the previous years.
Excelling in education AND snacks. Look who leveled up! When asked how she felt, she replied….”totally normal. Phenomenal as usual.”
I love that phenomenal is her baseline. I’m about to make it mine too.
Now I see why homeschoolers have a hard time talking in grade levels. She may be a 3rd grader before she officially finishes what a traditional first grade year would be.
Truth be told, I was trying to slow her down because I know it’s about to get more challenging and I didn’t know if she was ready for that level of challenge then I had to have an honest conversation with myself and ask 3 questions:
1. Why do I get to decide what’s too challenging for her? Especially when she’s enjoying the challenges and seeking out more?!
2.Who am I to hold a smart, determined little lady back? And WHY TF would I want to?!!!!!
3.Who is the one that isn’t ready? Am I making this about my fears? Or my fears for her?
That was a fun internal conversation. I lost my own argument and damn am I glad for that. Because none of this is about me. It’s all her. She gets to drive THIS bus. We are homeschooling them to meet them where they are. If this is where she is, this is where she is and Imma let her go on with her bad self and let her face the challenges head on if/when they come and watch her navigate them like the strong, sassy, smart little lady that she is.
Because I‘ll be damned if she learns to slow down, back down or play small to make others feel comfortable or less uncomfortable from me. Nah girl. You do you and imma cheer you on through the wins and losses to come. But also please take it easy on me in the sass department in the coming years, mmmkaaay thanks boo. So excited to celebrate this phenomenal little lady leveling up!!
When’s the last time you did something scary or outside of your comfort zone?
I feel like I’ve decided to jump head first into as many scary things as I can in the last couple weeks and it shows. Lol. The anxiousness, wtfs and me waking up at 4 am to think about all the things (picture the beautiful mind gif with all the floating equations, that’s me. At 4 am.) are starting to creep in and making me ask wtf am I doing?!
I have been doing so good, so I’m not sure why all of a sudden I’m feeling hit with all the nerves. Or maybe I do know why. Because I doing some of the scariest stuff I’ve ever done. Like doing to most raw and vulnerable interview I’ve ever done in my life. Doing huge things in my current business, about to officially start our first year of homeschooling while also praying for a way for to do something big to expand a future business I know I was created for.
But I also think that’s the thing with anxiety. It’s a constant tug o war. You’re never really done doing the work. Sometimes you get better and faster at coping, but that doesn’t mean you never have to face it again.
When I start feeling this way, now I know what I need to do:
1. Pray. I need to remind myself where my truth comes from. And it’s fo sho not the fear in my head. I just listened to a mediation on fear and it said fear is created in the ego and e.g.o. = Edging God out. I raised a hallelujah to that. It’s so true. Blasting some Jesus jams also really helps get my head and heart right.
2. Oil up. Literally bathe in all the emotions oils. The emotional oils rock my world and may have made me more of a believer than any other oil because of the level of healing in my soul I believe they prepare and open my heart for. My fave oils for this are: Frankincense, White Angelica, Valor, Stress Away, Harmony, Grounding, Gathering.
3. Hit the mat for some yoga and me time. Clear the mind. Ground myself. Focus on what’s in front of me or the pose I’m trying to not break my face doing.
4. Sit in some gratitude. Look for it and call it out everywhere. No matter how big or small. I have a gratitude album on my phone. Any picture that makes me smile and brings joy to my heart gets moved over to this album. I open it up and get ta scrolling when I need to check my mind right.
5. Pray again, oil up again and dance. Because in my opinion you can never do too much of either and you can’t dance and be in a shit mindset at the same time. Try it. Not possible.
What are some things you do to ease your anxiousness? Or oils you use to help calm your mind and heart??
You’re NEVER too old, too big, too cool for a 10 second bear hug with yo mama.
My friend, posted about 8 second hugs with her kids a while back and how it takes 8 seconds of being heart to heart for the body to release the hormone oxytocin which stimulates feelings of love, bonding, well being and healing. I told Laila about this last year and she was immediately down for one million 8 second hugs a day. She then turned them into verrrrrry slow count 10 second hugs. So she’s basically hugging me almost every waking second which I ain’t mad about. But this guy, it’s not every day I get one from him. I always ask him if I can give him one and most days I get a quick half side hug. Which I will gladly take even though I really just wanna grab him and squeeze him and never let him go. But I am BIG on teaching them they get to decide what kind of physical touch is OK, ALWAYS. So I honor the days all he wants is a side hug…or no hug. And on the days he wants one, I may pull him down and cradle him like a little baby and count as slow as humanly possible hopefully without ruining any chance for future 10 second hugs. 🤣I thought today’s hug may have pushed those limits, but ever since this mornings 10 second + hug he’s been giving me random hugs all day….even got a couple of cheek kisses…I guess that oxytocin got him. Mamas with babies that still willingly wanna hug you, cherish those moments. I gotta also remind myself of this on the days I just want a moment of not being touched by my little stage 5 clinger.
Now go get you some 8-10 second hugs and tell me how you feel after!!
Someone recently responded to one of my stories and asked if my Instagram page is turning into a fitness & Jesus page.
I don’t know them very well and I don’t know what they meant their tone to be. And even without the eye roll emoji, 🤣 we take words from a place of where we are in that moment. I deep sighed. I do sometimes worry I will annoy people with my posts/stories. It has at times even kept me from posting more than I have. But then I remember that I’m not posting for the eye rollers. I get this message and for a very split second I let it validate my fear and invalidate alllllll the other messages of encouragement, support and appreciation for showing & sharing my journey. Then I took a deep breath and formed my response that went like, “Hey. Thanks for reaching out. I don’t have any current plans to, but living the healthiest and best life I can is one of my main focuses so that’s what I’m showing. If that hits an uncomfortable spot and I am no longer for you because of that, I totally understand. Hope you have a great day. Thanks for your message.”
Because I do understand. There was once a time, I had a hard time watching others do what I wanted to do, but (physically or emotionally) couldn’t. Or watching others do what I didn’t believe I was capable or deserving of doing. Lots of eye rolling went down. So I get it. And I’m not mad if you need to look away right now (or ever) for your own well-being. It’s always ok for you to unfollow or turn your gaze away from what’s not making you feel good. But also maybe think about asking yourself, what about it or why is it making me feel a certain way? And can/should I dig deeper to work through it even when it feels uncomfortable. Or maybe you’re not ready to ask yourself those questions and you just gotta keep repeating certain cycles until you’re ready to no longer repeat them, like I did. It’s hard, ugly and uncomfortable work so I don’t judge anyone from sitting in a place I sat for so long.
Friends, I don’t know what this page will be. it’s my small corner of social media and it’s my story and it’s still being written, so only time will tell. But if what I am doing/showing right now makes anyone feel any kind of way, it is 💯 ok for you to turn your gaze and not follow along.
If my faith & workout journey and progress makes you feel uncomfortable, I have a feeling once I really open up about my growth and how I plan to let it guide me….you gonna be reallllllll uncomfortable here in my part of the inter webs. So now may be a good time to make an exit anyway. 🤣 I have learned some hard life lessons in my 40 years of existence and this girl can no longer play small to keep others comfortable. Nope. Cannot do it. And that may not be for you. Now or ever. And that’s ok with me. Whether it’s ok for anyone else how I live and share my life, is not my business so I won’t make it mine. 🤷🏽♀️ That’s a message I hope everyone learns way sooner than I did. There’s so much freedom in knowing what others think of you has NOTHING to do with you (unless you’re just an awful human, which I don’t believe anyone wants to be that) and everything to do with where they currently are in life.
Over the last 100 days, I’ve ended up with some baby biceps, a 2 pack (that’s still kinda hiding but I know it’s there), less jiggly in my jiggly spots and that’s not even the best part….The gains felt on the inside are the biggest win. The mental, emotional and self love and acceptance muscles are straight flexin hard, yo. It’s crazy. On the day I completed the #100dayproject AND my century (100th) yoga class, a memory popped up from this day last year. We were on vacation and I posted how I was desperately trying to choose gratitude and grace through the pain and frustration of my body constantly giving out on me. I remembering later breaking down because I was felt like I was failing in life and failing my family because I physically couldn’t be the wife and mom they needed. I lost who I was and didn’t think I would ever get to be who I knew I was created to be. Buuuuut she back. With a little more sass, a whole lotta passion for living life and a strong desire to make some sh!t happen while working on nailing a graceful headstand without tipping over. Watch out. It’s all happening. I feel it in my no longer constant achy bones. I also nailed a non graceful headstand that Laila recoded. Ps- she’s fired as my camera girl.😂 you had one job, Laila. One job. Ready to go for another 100 days! Who wants to join me?!!
Filing this under daily gratitudes and blessings. I almost didn’t post this picture because let’s be honest, I am not a pretty sleeper. But ohhh for this moment, I had prayed. As a desperate non believer, I prayed so hard for this child after years of heart ache, infertility and lots of loss. I never prayed so hard.
And here we are. Constantly blessed (and sometimes stressed 🤣) by her colorful presence and presents in this world. She is an actual rainbow after the storm. And sometimes she IS also the storm. & I love that about her even on the days it makes it hard to parent her. So grateful that Eric felt the love and gratitude for both his girls in this moment, to capture it. Then send it to your mom with the text, “look at your girls”. 😭 A few years ago, I decided to chase gratitude. Even…or especially on the hard days. I’m still chasing it, except today I find more of it. Not because I’m more blessed (although I do feel more blessed), but because I have been intentional in playing hide and seek with it. Don’t miss or overlook it because it’s hiding in the ordinary spaces. Seek it out. Say “found ya” out loud when you find it. Play this game all damn day, every day. Until it becomes part of your normal daily routine, even on the hard days and even when there’s a hint of sarcasm behind it (sarcasm may be my coping mechanism which I just read wasn’t healthy, but baby steps 😬). There were some days all I could be thankful for was a cup of coffee or just making it through the day. But I’ve come a long way since then and if I can, I believe anyone can.
What is something you’re grateful for in this moment??