The truth shall set you free. So here I go. Setting myself free. After all that’s what my twenty seventeen is all about, right?!!
So a few things you may or may not know about me. I LOOOOVE chocolate. Dark chocolate specifically, but chances are if you put most chocolate down in front of me it may not survive. It’s a real problem. I will go to the store and without even realizing it, I will have put bars of chocolate in my cart. I guess the heart knows what the heart wants…and mine wants chocolate. All the damn time.
oh just me eating chocolate for breakfast.
So another thing you may or may not know about me, I’m a baaaaad liar. Like the worst. My mom knows this, my husband knows this, my friends know this. I know this. So here’s where I need to own up cuz I lied and it’s about to bite me right in my 1?0 pound ass. We just got new/more/different life insurance because well…apparently adults do responsible things like this. And I filled out the paperwork and entered those numbers like I was filling out my DMV paperwork. Cuz everyone lies on their drivers license, right?!! What? Are they gonna weigh me? Noooooo. I don’t think so.
Well…so it turns out, the life insurance people…they do weigh you. They come TO YOUR HOUSE and weigh you!! “It will only take 10-15 min.” She says on the phone. And of course in my mind I’m convinced she’s throwing around those exact numbers because she was on to me and my lies. So I hang up the phone and run up upstairs to weigh myself and vow to lose 10-15 lbs before my appointment…. the following week which is ridiculous. And even more ridiculous I run downstairs and stress eat bars of chocolate. The weight obviously doesn’t magically fall off so what do I do? What any normal person would do and change my appointment…not once… but 2 more times. In an attempt to lose weight by eating ridiculous amounts of dark chocolate bars. Huh?! Seriously?!
Sooo….here we are on the eve of my 10-15 min weigh in and I am down exactly zero pounds. But what I am down is approximately 6-10…ok maybe more Trader Joe’s chocolate bars.
my pantry at any given moment.
So…tomorrow may be the day I either go to jail for insurance fraud or get denied coverage cuz I’m way too short for my real weight…not my drivers license weight. Time will tell. Please tell me you’ll write….
So just when I thought all the ugly face crying from leaving my nursing career was out of my system…a package shows up in my mailbox that reopens the flood gates. This time. Only happy tears.
one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received.
The contents of package is a reminder that I am on the right path. With the right people. People that I would never know had it not been for this business that accidentally fell into my lap. I love it. And I love them. So much. This tribe of women that I never knew I needed.
My one word. Free. And my intention not only for this year, but from these moments forward. Free to be…
Today the happy tears flow because I know I have found my people, my tribe. The ones that know my flaws, my crazy and still love me, accept me and cheer me on. Thank you for being in my life…
I’m sure the spelling of MayHam may be driving some of my teacher/grammar friends craaaazy. But there is a reason and let me assure you, I know how to spell (well, most of the time) and even if I didn’t we all know good ol autocorrect has my back. But does is really?? I mean how many times have we been burned by autocorrect. It for reals rejected MY spelling of MayHam at least 163 times.
So MayHam is a smash of my names. Well kinda. My husband (Eric) has always called me May or May May. And Ham is the first 3 letters of my last name. But is it reallllly a strange coincidence that when you smash the words together it’s a play on words of actual word mayhem?? Which if you know me… parts of that definition kind of perfectly describe me. The chaos part. Yeah, go ahead and put me down for a big fat HELL YES. And part of the reason behind this blog is me embracing the colorful chaos of this imperfectly perfect life of mine. The mess and struggle is real. Soooo real, but so is the beauty. So come along as I open my heart, thoughts and ridiculousness. This is my MayHam.
Well folks…here I go. Sharing my chaos with the world. Or at least the people of the interwebs.
Who or what is total MayHam?
It’s me. The beautiful chaos that is my life. It’s messy. It’s crazy. It’s amazing. It’s mine. And everyday I’m just trying to figure it all out. As a mom. A wife. A recently retired NICU nurse. A business owner. And a hot mess. Like the hottest mess in all the land. But here I am trying to figure it out. Determined to make magic happen and dreams come true.
What will I share here with you? Right now, I’m not exactly sure about specifics. But it will probably be ridiculous, funny, sometimes insightful, a lot of the time random, always from my heart or my crazy mind and 100% me.
Welcome to my total MayHam. I hope you join me on my crazy ride.
Soooo…remember that time I talked about being free. And fear holding me back from that? Well today I did something really hard that scared the crap out of me, but it’s part of me being free. It was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I’ve ever made.
21 years ago, at the age of 16 I was pregnant and scared as hell. No idea what the future held for me or my baby. But what I did know is, I had to fight. For us. For our future.
The day he was born changed my life forever. I wasn’t doing well. He wasn’t doing well. We were separated. They took him from me. At the time I didn’t even know where they took him. I honestly don’t know how much time had passed before I even got to see him. But I remember when I did see him, he was this perfect tiny little thing with an IV poking out of his head. The NICU nurses were so amazing to me. They gave me hope and encouragement. Not just that my baby was ok, but for our future. Sadly the nurses helping me through my c-section recovery were not so nice to me. In fact, several were very mean to me. I am not angry. I am not bitter about that. Both experiences opened my eyes. Both experiences showed to me who and what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a nurse…a NICU nurse. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to provide for my son. I would make it happen.
I worked hard. We (me AND Andrew) sacrificed a lot. We lived off very little. But we made it happen. I love being a NICU nurse. I love going to work. I love the people I work with. I love the babies and parents I take care of. Being a NICU nurse is a huge part of who I am. Which is what made today so.damn.hard. As much as I love this job. I love being able to be home with my family. I love being able to drop what I’m doing to take care of my family. I love building a successful business from home that provides us my full time nursing income. I love not having to leave home to work 12-14 hour shifts and miss kids/family bday parties, Ash’s basketball games, baseball games, ASU tailgating with friends and family. I love not having to choose to work a night shift to not miss all the above things, but be so sleep deprived that I can’t even enjoy the moments.
So today, I RETIRED NURSING. There. I said it.
Honestly, I thought I would do this amazing job forever. But today I hung my scrubs, my stethoscope and my badge up. For me. For my family. For my coworkers. For the babies and the families in the NICU because they deserve to have a nurse that’s fully present. That has her whole heart there when she’s there. And that’s just not me in this moment and it’s not fair to anyone. I will miss it. I know I will. My heart physically hurts making this decision, but I know it is the right decision in this season of my life.
I am so incredibly thankful to all the amazing people that I have had the wonderful pleasure of crossing paths with over the last 13 years because of my time as a nurse. I’m so grateful for the friendships, the mentorships, the laughs, the tears, the fun, the sadness, the joy, the heartache, all the feels. I am blessed to walk away with so many memories.
Who knows. Maybe this retirement isn’t forever but it is for now and for now I say thank you to all that I have had the amazing honor and privilege to work with and meet in my time as a NICU nurse. So very appreciative of what you all have brought to my life. So much love and admiration to you all.
Free to be.
Free to be unapologetically me.
Free to live.
Free to love.
Free to let go.
Free to hold on.
Free of fear.
Free of excuses.
Free of blame/placing blame.
Free of judgement/passing judgement.
Free of all the what ifs
I have been wanting to share this but kept putting it off cuz well…fear. I’m embarrassed to admit how much fear and worry control me. I’m a worrier. Always have been. And I just can’t be anymore. It is standing in my way of fully being free. Fully being me. Fully reaching the potential I know I am capable of and the life I am deserving of. Because fear has even at times convinced me that I am not worthy.
I am who I am. And I may not be for everyone and I’m learning that that is ok. This is the year that I start being FREE. Letting go. Holding on. Loving more. Living more. Giving more. Giving less.